Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
