We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
