woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
