You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize