If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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