Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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