I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
