I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
