So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
