"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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