woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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