you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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