my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
