And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
