My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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