I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize