I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
