Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
