Will you blow on my dice?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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