He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
