My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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