Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
