dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
