My Higher Power is John Stamos
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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