I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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