That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
