I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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