If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize