I just cut my nipple shaving
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm having to shit out rocks
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