dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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