well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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