I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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