Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
