Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
