you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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