the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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