Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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