That's intense
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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