He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
