so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
