awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
