Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
