You can't motorboat a personality
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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