so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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