you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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