LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So vagazzling was a success
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
