Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
