I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
