maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just invented taco cereal.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
