Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
