I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What a dumb baby whore.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
