Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
