So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
