I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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