I'm going to jail i love you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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