She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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