Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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