Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize