Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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