the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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