i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
