everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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