3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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