well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
