??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
