My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
