with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The best revenge is premature balding
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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