I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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